woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
