we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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