Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
