There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
