I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
