Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
