she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
