Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
