I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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