your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
