I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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