I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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