me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
