Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
