It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
