There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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