I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
