Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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