I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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