There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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