You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
