What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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