I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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