Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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