I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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