"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
