sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
