I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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