It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
