based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Edward fifth and chaser hands
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
