Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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