he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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