So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
