Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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