if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
