Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
