i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
