i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
