Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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