Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
