Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
