I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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