I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
