im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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