My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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