When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
