Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Im part way to drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
