So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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