My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I want a musical about memes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
