now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
