she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
